I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
