life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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