the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
it was like eating out sand paper
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
