my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
