and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm like, not good at living.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
