i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
