we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
