I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
