Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
