you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
