Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
