My sheets look like a crime scene.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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