I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
try to milk me bitch
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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