Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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