My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
