Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
