who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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