you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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