Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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