I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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