my mouth tastes like poor choices
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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