3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
