Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
