Porn is love you can see.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
