Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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