You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
