After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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