i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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