He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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