i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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