it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
