And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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