I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
