Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
