just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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