i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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