dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
