Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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