The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
