how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
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Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
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I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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