I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
