Duck Duck Cougar?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
