Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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