i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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