i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
