I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
