And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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