yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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