Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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