I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
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You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
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The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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