she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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