If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
