Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
