You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
