i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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