Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
