You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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