just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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