You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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