someone threw a dead crab at me
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
