Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
