I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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